It's been 10 years since I've packed a single bag without hesitation and left home, full of dreams of love and big world, enthusiastic about finally being an adult - at least officially. At that time, I haven't considered feelings of my mother and father much, seeing me going away with such thrill, I didn't think they would miss me anyway, the apartment was so small with all five of us in it and everyone too full of their own worlds to care for mine. I wouldn't need anything, some clothes, books, my earring collection and a clay cup my boyfriend gave me for birthday. I was 18, of course I was the smartest of all and in no need for other opinions. My boyfriend was six years older and I adored every piece of him for the whole time of our relationship.
It's been 6 years since I've packed several bags and left home me and my first big love shared. I came home to my mother and father, but only for a short while, they knew my mind was elsewhere and home wasn't the same. I stayed for six months, as long as I found a place, I moved back to the city. I was in love for the second time and everything else went aside. I can't remember what they thought and how they felt about my decisions, I wasn't paying attention. But they did throw me a big wedding and I'm certain they were happy for me and hoped everything will turn out just fine.
It's been few minutes since I've started to pack. It gets harder, packages get heavier, distance gets greater. Am I forever a puppet of my own destiny, that the place I tried to escape most of all will be where I finally find my peace? Familiar faces I wished to meet under different circumstances, routines I tried to forget, the label I've tried to rip off. Perhaps we really belong to a specific place. All I know is my wounds cannot be healed elsewhere.
"Janka, you cannot imagine what a decade is." my grandfather used to say to me when I was little and he was telling us his life stories. I see now one right in front of my eyes, 10 years of my life on a plate.
5 more days...
...and I'll be home again.
(18 years old me)